[Three weeks of Ellis]
Oh man, I have been so eager to write a little bit about what our life has been like since our sweet Ellis Durand joined us three weeks ago!
As I think through the details to share, I am both overwhelmed with how many wonderful details I can share and at the same time, dumbfounded at what to say and how to articulate.
Parenthood in and of itself is such a paradox. It is beautiful and it is messy, it is wonderful and hard, it is fun and difficult, and I have had overwhelmingly happy and sad moments.
So instead of sharing his "birth story" which I'm still processing (internal processor here) and still feels so personal, I am going to share three different things/observations of parenthood so far.
1) Clay as a Father
One of the absolute coolest, most endearing parts of this journey so far has been observing my husband completely tackle the role and title of fatherhood. I mean, seriously— I ALWAYS knew he'd be a phenomenal father. I knew that far before choosing to marry him in part because he is the oldest sibling of 6 and when I first started dating him, his littlest sibling was only 1.5 years old and watching Clay interact with him showed me SO much about who Clay is (and how he'd one day make one great dad!)
But man, knowing he'd be a good dad and now actually seeing it...it just swells up my heart. Because my labor/deliver was so unexpected, I had a lot of recovery in the hospital and couldn't even leave the bed for a couple of days— Clay literally jumped into taking care of not only newborn Ellis but me too. Is it cheesy to say I fell in love with him even more? It was a lot for all of us, but especially for Clay having to change each brand new baby diaper and help love and comfort me as well.
Since we've been home he's been a rockstar. Raising a little one is so incredibly difficult and without him as a teammate I would not have made it through the past three weeks. He is gracious and patient and loves me and our son so well. He comes home every day from lunch ready to check on us and get some baby snuggles and does the same when he gets off of work.
Clay, me and Ellis love you so much and could not be more proud to have you as a husband and father. Thanks for taking care of us and loving us so well, we trust you, look up to you, and are beyond grateful to call you our own.
2) Everyone has an opinion
I don't know exactly why I'm choosing to post about this now, but probably because even though during pregnancy I felt the weight of others' opinions, even just three weeks into motherhood it has been significantly more so.
I've learned so quickly that everyone has so many differing opinions on literally every. single. thing. It is overwhelming.
In three short weeks I have felt chastised, judged, praised and encouraged over literally the same exact decisions I have made as a mom and let me just say that's a lot of crazy roller coaster of differing opinions for a postpartum overly emotional woman to deal with.
I guess all I really want to say about this is this: I've learned all I can to is the best that I can. I know that seems so simple, but I've had to let myself really embrace that truth. I know I won't get every thing right every moment of the day and I know I may not always pick out the #1 brand for this or that; but ultimately, all I can do is my best and find confidence in knowing I am a mom now and I can make solid, beautiful, wise choices for me and my sweet little without worrying about what "they" say (and I mean, really who are "they" anyways? Amiright?)
3) Reminding myself there is grace
If I'm being honest, there are times during each day where I feel like I should have this whole "motherhood" thing figured out. When my baby is crying and I don't know how to console him, when it hits the end of the day and I got zero things done on my over ambitious "to-do list", or when my husband comes home from work and I'm shocked it's already 5pm and I realize I never did put that freezer meal in the crockpot and we're all (including Ellis) starving because of my oversight.
If I'm being even more honest there are still times when I ask myself "Can I do this?" and as each day I become more confident in the truth that I CAN do this, I CAN do hard things, I'd be lying if I said I never question myself at all.
But that's where I have to remind myself of grace upon grace so freely given from the Father. Reminding myself that I have ONLY been doing this for three weeks and I have already come so far. Reminding myself that this is a huge task not for the faint of heart but that God beautifully and wonderfully called me to do it and has never abandoned me in any task previously and never will now, even in the newness of parenthood.
it's a beautiful thing to offer ourselves that same grace, friends. To lean on Christ's strength and not hold ourselves to standards of perfection.
I love being a mom. I still can't believe that I AM ONE. But it's okay that I still have learning and growing- in fact, my goal is to daily embrace the growing pains and allow the Lord to work in my life evidently and candidly. I want to embrace the change and embrace the adventure, and I hope you will hold me to it.
Thank you for joining us on this journey!