Things I remember: 2 (& 4 months of Haven)

4 months ago today I walked my newborn baby off to have open heart surgery.

Is it weird that feels like all the time in the world away and like it was yesterday all at the same time?

Sometimes people ask me if I had given the choice, would I have liked to have known that her heart condition was there beforehand? and the answer is simply yes, absolutely I would have liked to have known.

Obviously there’s no way to *fully* prepare for these things, but I could have kissed Ellis goodbye knowing I was about to spend the longest time away from him I ever had, could have familiarized myself with the details of what those days would entail, and could have prepared how I would take care of myself physically as I recovered on the go.

I didn’t have those opportunities and sometimes I do get sad when I think about them being missed.

But I do have confidence in knowing the Lord was even still, in every detail. He saw me then, and he sees me now.

I will never be the same person as I was four months ago today. I have grown and learned and loved and am still growing even more, learning even more, and outpouring love I didn’t even know existed inside of me.

I’m still working through the hard emotions that I felt.

I still have extreme crippling anxiety that makes me want to shut down, and deep fear I have to learn to choke down. I don’t want to pretend like those things aren’t present because they are and probably show themselves in ways you’d expect (making it hard sometimes to send texts or answer phone calls or change out of my jammies and cook meals some days!)

But the Lord has sustained. He has never failed me. His mercies have been new each and every day, throughout open heart surgery for my newborn baby 4 months ago, and throughout a pandemic that has brought about more isolation than I’ve ever experienced before.

I know we’ll look back on all of this one day. I do hope I do more than *survive it* but even if surviving is all I have to show for it, I’ll consider it a huge success and give the glory to Jesus for keeping our heads from hitting the floor.

He is good and He does good and we’ll always proclaim that truth.